So I finally got around to trying Ojon restorative conditioning treatment. You know the one. The pasty stuff that comes in the little brown jar, have to scoop it out and warm it in your hands?
Supposedly transforms your hair into a shimmering waterfall of health and vitality, rendering you irresistible to men and giving you the powers of hyperspace and flight. I have been wanting to give it a go for quite some time now, but the price tag and the nature of the product sort of put me off. If you buy a bottle of conditioner for £32.50 that you are justlukewarm about, you can kind of grit your teeth and use it up….it goes into the 50 ml “vacation” bottle, you might use a bit to shave your legs, and so on and so forth. But this product, if you decide it is not for you, you will still have approximately 5 bajillion applications left before you have officially not wasted enough product not to feel like a sucker.
I like the idea of Ojon. . The oil itself comes from the nut if the ojon tree. A single ojon tree produces only 8000 nuts per year (3 cups worth according to the company’s web page). It is hand-harvested in the tropical rainforests of Central America by the Miskito people, an indigenous people who, in addition to living the same way they did 500 years ago, apply this“golden elixir” daily (the company’s word choice, not mine. Where I grew up, “golden elixir” means beer.) They use it on their hair and on their faces.Apparently they are all glossy and smooth, glowing with health and vitality. They probably also aren’t eating a lot of Taco Bell down that way either, but I digress.The nuts are harvested by individual growers, not plantations, and the company makes a lot of impressive claims on their website about sustainability and giving back to the native people. Ojon is also a subsidiary of Estee Lauder. I am not mentioning this because I feel that it is good or bad. It just is.
So enough prattling on. Lets get our hands dirty. When I opened the jar, I was met not with the whipped-looking olivey paste that you see in the press photos (although I’m sure you could achieve that texture with a Kitchen Aid and a spatula….right before you add the sugar and the eggs…), but rather it resembled the times when I had absentmindedly left the olive oil in the fridge and it got all hard. Hard but greasy. Greasy but only when you touch it…then it gets greasy. Kinda like that. So you scrape bits out, about a teaspoon at a time, put it in the palm of your hand, rub your hands together, and it liquefies with the heat of your hands. Cool. And it does, in fact look a bit like “golden elixir”.Although it smells a lot more like Kahlua and a chai soy latte.
The instructions tell you to keep putting teaspoon doses of “golden elixir” into your hair until the hair is “saturated”. As it turns out, saturated is a very subjective state. It is very difficult to tell when something is saturated with an oily, viscous product, as it sort of sinks in and coats rather than getting you all sopping wet. So I decided to aim for a level of saturation somewhere between Dirty Hippie and BP Deepwater Horizon. Because my hair is quite thick, this took a number of teaspoonful scoops that I lost track of after about 7.Anyway, it looked a little something like this.
Then I tied it all back and went downstairs to make a red lentil curry for dinner. I seriously thought about rubbing the pan on my head instead of using olive oil, but then I thought that I didn’t want my curry smelling like a white Russian, so I relented.
You are supposed to leave it on for 20 minutes, add heat if you have really damaged hair, or leave it on overnight if you have really, REALLY damaged hair. Wait..wha…overnight!? Sleeping with your saturated head on the pillow, smelling like a white Russian? I would have a dog and a cat up on the bed, licking the pillow all night while I tried to either sleep or pick cat hair out of the golden elixir stuck to my face and head. I think not.Twenty minutes, then.
Rinsed, shampooed, then, in true Real Gal In The Real World fashion, realised that I was running late for work, hoovered-up my curry, tied the hair into a wet knot a the back of my head. And went to work.
Okay, no, not really. Although I did not have the optimized conditions required to assess the state of my shimmering waterfall of health and vitality, I did what women all over the world do when they need to assess a serious beauty situation. I used the staff bathroom at work. And yes, even under those harsh fluorescent conditions, it did appear to be pretty shiny and soft.
So. Back home, here is the aftermath of my experience with the golden elixir, 12 hours later, having returned from work, perhaps a little worse for wear...
I dare you to resist my shimmering waterfall of health and vitality
And yes, that is gray hair you are seeing, do not adjust your screens. And yes, it is on purpose. You can read about that in a forthcoming post. Still a bit of the fuzz at the top, but then, I probably could have brushed it for the photo, or styled it, so really, considering I had just worked 12 hours and had not styled, dried, or even combed it out, I think overall it did what it set out to so. Just imagine what it might look like if I do it right next time? And there will be a next time, as it turns out. one week from today.