Sparking a Revolshoetion


Has anyone else grown as tired as I have of looking at shoes like this?

YSL
Shoe photos courtesy Saks Fifth Avenue NYC


Granted, I have nothing against platforms. Covered platforms, even. As sky-high heels go, they are probably more comfortable than their stiletto brethren, but I’m afraid that still isn’t enough to get me over my ennui. I get what they do for the legs. Lengthen, define the muscles, blah, blah, blah….but what they also do is render your feet all of the grace normally reserved for a pair of cloven hooves.


Alexander McQueen



Okay….those are, as you all know, the famous Alexander McQueen Armadillo platforms. I actually like those. Too look at, not to wear. They have a definite point of view. I’m not opposed to shoes as art. I rather like the idea.

Prada, Spring 2012
The ones that are in every magazine editorial in the
universe right now.

Alexander Wang Current Season
Looks like something off the floor of the locker room.
In a good way.




Yep, art is good. But the aforementioned omnipresent covered platforms….these cloven hoof platforms that have been plaguing us now for season after season…

sigh...



they make a gal look more than a little like this.



The evidence:
Readers, I give you, exhibits A-C; celebrities in their cloven hooves.

Megan Fox on the Tonight Show

Ms. Fox is wearing a very flirty and light dress, the only hairstyle which seems to exist in LA, (which I like to call the Real Housewife), and…hooves. Pardon me…Hooves with an ankle strap.

Here, Megan. You want to wear a sexy shoe? Maybe be a little edgy to balance your dress? Fine. Here. Put these on. They have scales. (Kind of like the ones your acting makes me break out in, only probably less itchy).

Dior current season

See? Still a platform, but a pretty platform, not an angry platform. A lovely color that will complement the cute dress without being matchy-matchy with the belt, and no ankle-strap to cut your legs off at the calf. Go on, take them.

And you, Michelle Williams.




You were so close. The gold color of that shoe is perfect with the dress.That dress is lovely by the way, and like so many things that you wear, it has a kind of a retro, Mad Men kind of vibe. So why pair it with a pair of oddly-positioned peep-toe cloven hooves that make it look like you were standing too close to the side of the rink when the Zamboni went by? The balance is completely off here..like you've been soldered to the floor.  And like I always say to you....why not push it just a bit more? Show some personality... try these.

Jimmy Choo

See? Isn’t this fun? And you know....now that I am looking, I don’t think that Chanel Vamp-looking nail polish is working either. Take that off dear, put on something clear, and put this on instead.

Alexander McQueen ring
Again from Saks

There you go. Now you look like a badass. But a secret badass. You are still demure, and your silhouette, with the new shoes, is more refined, but when you get up-close, its all zebra and skulls baby! Sha-ZAM!

Alright, you’re next Elizabeth Banks…



Oy!....


I don’t know where to begin. I suppose in a way, if you are determined to wear cloven-hooved shoes, you absolutely should pair it with a dress that looks like you just walked right through your great-auntie’s Christmas tree, because then nobody will notice your feet. The Highland Fashionista is not going to give you a new pair of shoes to try on because she thinks you should run home right now and change. But if there was ever an occasion for a nude shoe…..yowza.


An aside; before I go, I simply must show you this. This is completely unrelated to platforms, but something I happened upon while searching the photo archives.
When the hell did Rose Byrne morph into Anna Wintour!?!?











Right down to the fur and the hemline. Sorry Rose, but there can be only one. A-Dubs forever.














So that’s it readers. If you find yourself getting the urge to don a pair of cloven hooves, be suspicious. Manolo Blahnik is


The Master at rest with his collection of decidedly
non-cloven shoes.  Read the rest of the story here.



And thank God for that, because the rest of us need shoes too!



Comments

  1. Awesome. I saw a herd of these cloven hooves last night in UPTOWN MINNEAPOLIS. More evidence that this needs to stop.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. When you encounter a herd, approach with caution, lest you find yourself in the middle of a stampede. They startle easily and tend to behave erratically. Trust me on this, I live in the highlands.

      Delete
  2. I own two pairs...one grey and one nude. I feel no need for anything more than that...I dont like my shoes to overpower my outfit :O)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Your minimalistic restraint puts the Highland Fashionista to shame. I was just thinking about how I need this particular pair of Manolos I saw in a fuchsia today....I may need help.

    ReplyDelete

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