The Toronto Pantcident of 2015


You guys. Omigod.

I suppose this is well-timed, what with me running the Wardrobe Malfunction Essay Competition right now and all, but I simply must do my civic duty and issue a stern warning to you all.

Remember not so long ago, I fell in love with these palazzo pants from Zara?


Cute, right? Flowy, louche, and easy to wear. Or so I thought. I am writing this from the USA at the moment, where I am home for a visit. I wore these pants on the plane, thinking that I would look awesome and be exquisitely comfortable while doing so. As the day wore on and I had been wriggling in my airplane seat for several hours, the pants loosened considerably, and were riding lower on my hips than when I had put them on.

I disembarked the plane for my changeover in Toronto, and went and had lunch. After strolling the airport for a while, it was time to catch my final flight to Chicago. I quickly nipped to the loo (probably didn't need that last latte) and while in there, heard the final boarding call for my flight. I finished up, and walked briskly out of the bathroom toward my gate...at which point the flowing fabric of my right palazzo pant leg wrapped itself firmly around my left leg, getting caught in the buckle of my left sandal. I walk with a big stride, and was going at a pretty good clip. I felt the catch, and tried to free my left leg, an action that not only did not result in my left leg becoming liberated, but proceeded to launch me into the air.

It felt like I was airborne for a month. I remember having lots of time to think about how I probably shouldn't have had that second glass of wine at lunch (why are the portions so big!?), and that it was a shame I was probably going to die, because I was really looking forward to that cheeseless Chicago style pizza later that night...plus, I was wearing travel underwear, and if I had to go to the ER with a patellar or proximal tibial fracture, or you know, to the morgue, they would probably miss the cause of death on exam because they would be laughing so hard at my threadbare smalls.

Then I was rudely interrupted when I landed... hard. No, hard, isn't even the word.

I totally drilled it.

I made such a splat it made me say "oof", right out loud. This very nice older lady turned around and stared at me in horror, asking if I was ok. I got up faster than I had ever moved in my life, and assured her I was, not giving in to the desire to double over, examine myself for bony tenderness, or quite frankly, retch.

Nobody saw that right?

Just a few people. I'm good.

I walked towards my gate (nothing to see here), blinded by lightheadedness and in a cold sweat, relishing that I could weight bear, and everything felt relatively stable. No fracture then. Probably not.  I'm getting on that damn plane.

It seems I got away with it. Although later that evening and through to the next morning, I thought I had really messed up my posterior cruciate ligament. Luckily,  I was miraculously cured (after a day of hobbling around) by finally remembering to take some ibuprofen.

I got away with it...but only just. I nearly died for fashion. These palazzo pants have a lot to answer for. They have since been sentenced to community service at the local Goodwill for all of eternity. And happily, I was able to go for a run this morning on my crazy-ass blue and green-tinged knee.


So there you have it. Palazzo pants...to be worn at your own peril ladies! Now don't forget that the Wardrobe Malfunction Essay Competition is ongoing through the month of July! Click the icon at the top right of the page for information on how to enter!

Comments

  1. Oh my! I was only 15 minutes away by car from seeing the whole thing. Dang : ) Glad you weren't seriously injured.

    bisous
    Suzanne

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  2. Whew! close call of Death! I fell on the NYC sidewalk and got up so fast you'd think a scorpion had bitten me. "Nothing to see here!" Sorry you fell but thanks for this account, it made me cut down on my palazzo pants spree. xox

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  3. Oh, my dear I CAN empathize with you. I've had too many embarrassing incidents in public to count. Wearing heels and a long skirt one day while supervising an exam, I hunkered down beside a student to quietly answer a question. And as I was speaking I rocked back on my heels, the heels caught in the fabric of my skirt that had pooled on the floor and I was stuck. Trying to push up would tear the skirt, staying there until the kids had finished the exam was NOT an option. Eventually I whispered my plight to the student and the giggling girl extricated my shoes from my skirt while I leaned forward. And by the time we were done the kids sitting all around were laughing...and the whole thing was so disruptive, I had to give them a few extra minutes to finish their papers! So much for dignity...not that I was big on that anyway. Teachers who prize their dignity too much are doomed to lose it!!!

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    Replies
    1. Susan, may I count this as your submission to the Wardrobe Malfunction Essay Contest? It's pure gold.

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  4. Oh no!! I laughed at the potential undie mortification. I think for sports, such as fast airport walking, one should always carry bicycle clips(!) in one's bag to disaster-proof said flapping pants. Oof. The height of fashion.
    Well, I'm relieved that you did not suffer lasting damage to your posterior cruciate ligament!

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  5. ouch x x Dicky doo x x x

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  6. owwww..glad you were not hurt!! I had a friend whose foot got caught in the escalator going down in an airport and she landed head first with her skirts over her head as she travelled all the way to the bottom..she was also wearing a wig for medical reasons and it was askew:(:( You did look cute in the pants:):) Coco

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