Wednesday, November 9, 2016

The Ugly American: Surviving the Next Four Years in Style


Oh America. What did we do last night? How much did we have to drink!? It's like we went out for a few beers, ended up doing tequila shots with some flashy guy we met at the bar, and woke up this morning passed out in front of the fridge with vomit down the front of our shirts and a Supreme Leader in line for the White House. You guuuuuys….why did you let us drink so much!?!? It's going to take at least four years to get this shirt even remotely clean again…and that's if I can even bring myself to ever look at it again…erp.

Friends, it is not going to be an easy four years. Overt racism, misogyny, and an invigorated sense of isolationist entitlement are only the beginning of the ride we're about to go on, and I am confident that the Great White Hype that is our new Supreme Leader likely has much, much more in store for us. However, above all else, I am an optimist. Those of us who would have had this election turn out differently are united in our desire to not see our beloved country turn into a bubbling cauldron of hate and division; of building walls, singling-out our brothers and sisters on the basis of religion, race or sexuality, or by any other means of cutting off our noses to spite our faces that we might dream-up during the next four years. We will remain united in our desire to lead with love.  We will not be lured into the creepy, windowless van driven by the grinning man with the questionable tan.

But there is absolutely nothing stopping us from looking our best while we survive the apocalypse, is there? That's right ladies, just because you woke up with a crushing hangover, a vomit-stained #I'mWithHer t-shirt, and an orange demagogue in the White House doesn't mean that you can't survive in style. So for all of us who feel like we need a different kind of a leader, allow me to put myself forward for the position of Minister of Progressive Feminist Survivalism and provide you with a short list of things that will aid you in getting through this hot mess that we've created for ourselves with your sense of style intact, even if your soul is currently hemorrhaging uncontrollably .

The Fashionista's Top Four Necessities for Surviving the Next Four Years


No. 1: Rhinestone-Encrusted Earplugs




Whether your seat mate in coach is trying to warn you about the looming invasion of immigrants or you need to get through another stilted, plagiarised speech at a State dinner, these chic little earplugs will keep you smiling politely all night long while you quaff the wine like it's your last night on Earth.  


  No. 2: The Pussy Protector™ Protective Garment


Ladies, even if you no longer have a uterus that you think a Trump-Pence administration might try to legislate their way up into (government so small, it fits right in there), it would be remiss not to acknowledge the overwhelming anxiety amongst us that "pussy-grabbing" could go from an act of sexual assault to a fully-mandated federal activity.

Make your own Pussy Protector™ on the cheap by revisiting that hideous Spanxy-type arrangement that you bought once because you thought it might make you look sleek, but quickly realized that going to the gym regularly was a hell of a lot easier. Here, I've accessorized mine with a jaunty red belt from Gap.

No. 3: Fireproof Opera Gloves & BBQ Tongs



If you're a writer, a journalist, or just someone who really enjoys the medium of expression, when the book burnings start, you're going to be spending a lot of time crouched in front of a fire fishing various items like the First Amendment out of the flames. There's no reason you can't do this with a little grace and elegance. You might even choose to show your conservative side as I have, and accessorise with a pearl bracelet.

No. 4: Tactical Climbing Gear


When the mob catches a whiff of fear in the air, they tend to build walls around stuff.  Ladies, eventually all of us are going to need to get over that wall. Maybe you're climbing for affordable healthcare, perhaps you're climbing to find someone who will actually prescribe the birth control you've been using for a decade, or perhaps you just want to visit your relations in Playa Del Carmen. Whatever your reason, climb safe, climb strong my sisters. Together, we're going over that wall. 





57 comments:

  1. Oh, Kristin, I love you! I have read so many brave manifestos today urging calm, continued (civil!) resistance, compassion, etc., but yours is the only one that made me laugh! And I needed that. I am sharing this on Facebook.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yay! thanks so much for reading and yes! Share away!

      Delete
    2. I love reading your blog for the fashion. If I want commentary on politics I will go to political sites. Its obvious your are liberal in your politics. What happened in America is the continuation of a process that has worked for over two hundred years. It took place peacefully, lawfully and without major incident. We have had 8 years of failed policies under Baraack Obama. The American people have spoken and as even Hillary said, we owe it to Mr. Trump to give him an opportunity to serve. I find it very upsetting that you who are living in a country that has a Queen as a ruler would be so critical of the process in America.As you are an American it might be nice if you showed some loyalty to not only your country but to the process in America that was so hard fought and purchased with blood by our founding Fathers.


      Delete
    3. That's the thing about a free speech democracy. Everyone is entitled to your opinion. Yes, Trump was elected lawfully, although I must pause to remind you that actually the popular vote went to Clinton, so it was a lawful election in the same sense as it was when George W Bush was elected. Electoral college. As for the Queen being the "ruler" of the UK, I think perhaps you might need to loom a little further into British politics. While it is certainly a lot more convoluted than our three-branch system in the USA, the British Monarch does not "rule" the UK. The role of the Monarchy here is symbolic and historic. Britain is a democracy, just like the USA, governed by the Prime Minister and the House of Commons. Scotland has it's own parliament and has autonomy over certain issues as well. As for my showing loyalty, my practicing of free speech on my own blog should be proof enough that I am ever loyal to the founding principals of the USA, of which free speech plays such a major role. I liken loyalty to being a good parent. When you feel like your kid is messing up, you can turn a blind eye and pretend it's not happening because you love them unconditionally, or you can grit your teeth and have the hard conversation about how to fix a pattern the you find troubling. We all just have different versions of what is troubling. You call the Obama administration "failed policies" I wholeheartedly disagree (as did the American economy up until yesterday). But please don't start the "blood of the founding fathers" thing with me. I've done my time in uniform, and likewise I've protested when our government has (again) run roughshod run over the sovereign rights of it's indigenous people, as it continues to do at this moment. I don't see these two things as mutually exclusive. The one thing that I can assure you is that I will continue to express myself here on my personal blog. I knew that when I posted this I would get some backlash, and I am perfectly prepared to stand behind my views. If just fashion and beauty is what you want, there are plenty of blogs that steer clear of this stuff. This is not one of those blogs. Respectfully,
      K

      Delete
    4. Kristin - hear, hear!! Well said!! Thumbs up!!! I could go on...but I won't. Canadian here, but I absolutely agree with your eloquently expressed sentiments. There was disbelief, anxiety, incredulity, fear amongst friends here at the result of the election.

      Delete
    5. Its funny how the privileged few who live a remote scottish community away from squalor, crazy house prices, urban decay of a city or urban town can have lovie lefty ideas and comment on these things with such anger...Im sure you prefer Edinburgh to Glasgow to go shopping and spend money in ! Glasgow is more like scotland and real.

      Some of us weep at the lost of a British/Irish/English/Welsh/Celtic/Scottish identity in favor of liberal globalist all in one pot hug a hippy lives mass immigration. Globalaisation can only do one thing, drive down wages and jobs and people lives, not enrich them as the idea is for us all to be EQUAL. People im afraid wont realise this until its to late and probably a generation away from me. Dont worry i visited Communist Russia in 1986 and witnessed that EQUALITY and socialist ideal at first hand...The political Elites just happened to be MORE EQUAL then others....

      My husbands parents were immigrants to Scotland, But they had a shared culture, beliefs and values and soon integrated, That integration doesnt happen now, nor is it encouraged in favour of multiculturalism. I always looked on the US of A a true multi race county were people of any race creed etc could go and become an American, not so now, The clinton serial political Elites (along with the buffoon Bushes and now Obama's familly cabals) are changing this. but at the same time waging war all around the world in the name of freedom...rubbish, in the name of owning people !

      I dont support Trump, but i understand what the others before him were like and what furture that had for us, so i will wait to reserve judgement on him until the SHOWTIME has ended and the PUPPET MASTERs who actually run the USA get a hold. In the end POWER CORRUPTS, ABSOLUTE POWER, ABSOLUTE CORRUPTION.

      The Silent many are awake, but not sure how long until there shut down and called names, and lefties find it easy to shut people up like that....Stick and stones....

      Delete
    6. To be honest, I kind of had a hard time figuring out what this post was about….but I'll address what I think are the main themes. 1 - that because I live in a remote Scottish location I am somehow privileged. Am I lucky to live where I do? Absolutely. Do I have white privilege as a whole? Yes. I suppose I do. But I'm an American, and as such am expressing my First Amendment right (on my own blog no less) to address an issue that is important to me. All that other Nationalistic Scotland Celtic stuff is of zero interest to me, rightly or wrongly. It's just not a "thing" for me. Are you British? Being an American, that type of "cultural identity" thing is just not something we had where I come from. Point 2 - Power corrupts. Yes, a lot of the time it does. Not always, but a lot of the time Point 3 - you are anti-immigration…at lest I think. Maybe you're just mad at the lack of integration It's kind of hard to tell. If you're an American you will already know that you are a part of a Nation of Immigrants. And even if you're not an American.

      Either way, here is what I think is driving the "silent many" as you call them. If you've seen a map of how people from the ages of 19-25 voted, it was overwhelmingly in favour of Clinton. Putting all of the other stuff aside, these votes were cast almost PURELY on the basis of Trump's racist, misogynist, and xenophobic rants that are the true source of all of the fallout, and you may have noticed, the theme of my piece. People of that age have never known a time when women, or black people, or whatever the thing is…they have never known a time in their lives when in society, those people could not be in a position of power. So to them, the new multicultural face of the USA feels a lot less oppressive than it does to say, someone who is a baby boomer who remembers fondly the days when white dudes held all the power. But I"m confused about your ranting about freedom and equality and lambasting me, a writer, for practicing that same freedom.

      Delete
  2. Thank you. I needed a bit of levity today. [trots off to dig out the package of ear plugs...]

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nothing like a little bling to raise the spirits. Which is why I am FESTOONED in it in that first photo.

      Delete
  3. Renewing my passport and looking for work overseas. Is Scotland hiring? Please, please!! Four year work visa??

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Depends on what line of work you're in. They are notoriously tight with visas….better to get married. The UK was at the top of he xenophobic immigration law pyramid until yesterday. SIGH

      Delete
  4. I can't imagine how many Scots are asking you what's wrong with all of us. Tell them that half of us are sorry for what we've done.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The newsstands over here speak volumes. It's only 4 years…..

      Delete
  5. You are hilarious! Thanks for showing us how to face this mess with a light heart!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are very welcome. Let's hope that we women don't get set back too far!

      Delete
  6. Thank you for brightening up a sad day-- a good laugh was just what I needed!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's what we ALL need right now. Well, most of us.

      Delete
    2. Thanks for proving my point about liberals by deleting my post to you. You are right you can certainly express your own opinion on your blog but then allow others that same privilege. you do not need to lecture me about children and how you either ignore their behavior or suck it up and have the difficult conversations. I am 59 years old and have birthed and raised 8 kids who are all adults now and contributing members of society. Most of us in our family did not vote for Mr. Trump but we did vote against Hillary. My adult children understand that often in life we don't get what we want and we have to get along with others that we might not agree with. In my opinion a lot of millenials think that if they don't like the outcome of a situation they just need to whine, complain and cry and they will get a do over. That's not how life works. While I think your fashion advice is impeccable, I just would like after all of the uproar of this election to go to a fashion website and enjoy reading about fashion. If that is not what this website is about then I guess I will go elsewhere for my ideas about fashion.

      Delete
    3. Curtis, I didn't delete any posts from you that I am aware of. If something got deleted it was not intentional, and you're welcome to re-send it. Your other post you can find by scrolling up. I post everything that people write to me, good or bad. You are welcome to go wherever you want to get your fashion fix. There are tons of great websites out there that are all fashion, recipes, and gratitude, and that don't delve into the political or the satirical, as I do. But a big part of who I am is my activism and commitment to free speech and an equanimous society. So if this bothers you, yes, it's probably going to come up again. In time, thong swill settle from this election, but this backlash (and my part is very mild compared to what else is out there) is a direct result of Trump's continued commitment to a narrative of exclusion, racial divide and misogyny. When you create that environment, of COURSE people are going to react, as I have. Telling people to "get over it" is all very well and good - its easy for those of us who are white and middle class to say that - but there are a lot of people to there right now who are LEGITIMATELY afraid for their families, who are experiencing racial violence, and who aren't sure if they have a place in this new version of America. So yes, there is going to be some backlash.

      Delete
  7. OMG! Thank you soooooo much. I really needed this today. I was feeling very lonely and 'blue' in Missouri today. I feel so much better now.😄

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am so glad. You probably already have done this, but Michael Moore's to-do list is actually very helpful as well.

      Delete
  8. I am a professor, spent the day in my office listening to students' fears, holding their hands, watching their tears fall, worried about their futures and wellbeing. This genius post is the only thing that has brought a smile to my face all day! Thank you so much!!! I needed this giggle! You are hysterically funny! I've forwarded on.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks you SO much Dr. V.O. And thank you for being there for your students, many of whom I'm sure are immigrants, Muslims, and other groups who probably feel especially vulnerable after the tone of this election. It is that generation that was born in a time where they would not have remembered when women or black people were not able to be in a position of power, so to them, equality likely feels a lot less like oppression than it does to the electorate who weren't opposed to Trump's misogynistic and xenophobic messages. They are the ones that are going to have to help us restructure our side of the equation so that we can continue to function from a place of inclusion and not exclusion. Thanks for forwarding and reading! Much love.

      Delete
    2. On another note, your students might be interested in this petition, which calls for President Elect Trump to be accountable for his part in the hateful rhetoric of his campaign by 1. Denouncing racial hate groups that spot openly supported him during the campaign, and 2. issuing a PUBLIC apology to the Khan family for his disgraceful treatment their grief in the death of their Gold Star son. http://petitions.moveon.org/sign/hold-donald-trump-accountabl.fb48?source=c.fb&r_by=16871457

      Delete
    3. Thank you Kristin! I didn't know about this, wow! Thank you also for your kind words and encouragement - yes, since I am a prof in a large public university system, you described most of the grad students who came to my office hours this week...many of whom worked hard against all odds to gain entry into a prestigious program and seek only to serve the public that gave them this opportunity. I am reminding them that this is a call to be more compassionate and loving in their work and lives, as antidotes to hate and despair. As a public servant I do not bring my political views into classroom teaching because I believe my charge is to arm students with the kinds of critical thinking and research skills they need to understand the world and puncture the veneer of infotainment for themselves... Since the entertainment and unself-made wealth world is where our president elect came from (did you know that the Trump empire was built by his grandmother not his father? how ironic!), I feel that simply empowering students to seek for truth is all that is needed to keep this from happening again. Thank you for your kind heart, intelligence, and unparalleled sense of humor! I adore your blog. XOXO Dr. VO

      Delete
  9. This is wonderful, Kristin, and just what is needed amongst so much despair. And I really admire the way you responded to the comments of "Curtis" with dignity and facts.
    from a Brexit refugee in Paris

    ReplyDelete
  10. Most brilliant post in the universe at the moment. Hahaha!!! Thank you for this levity. I shall definitely try the blinged-out earplugs. And thank gawd I already have my Pussy Protector (TM). I am over the sell-buy date of 35 and in Canada, but it's best to be protected - small hands but a long reach...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are very welcome Melanie. And 35 is HARDLY over your sell-by date. That's the cruel joke of Biology. We women are AMAZING at 35, and men peak when they are 17.

      Delete
  11. This was hilarious ... last night, I heard what I thought was gunfire in my neighborhood. I dove under the kitchen table. Turns out it was just the idiot teenage boy up the street, setting off fireworks -- under trees, when we haven't had rain in weeks and all the leaves are dry.

    That's how tetchy things are where I live, and I live outside a middling-sized city in central North Carolina. There were actual riots in big cities last night, and today.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I believe it. It will settle. This reminds me very much of when W got deleted (barely). And to be honest, Trump makes George W Bush look like a Road Scholar. Things will calm in time, and the thing of it is, society is moving in a direction, whether these "wind back the clock" types like it or not. The train is moving, whether you're on it or not.

      Delete
    2. It is my intent to live a clean and (relatively) sober life, so that I can outlive those who vote in a manner of which I highly disapprove, and then outvote them in the next few elections. Love to you. Keep on speaking freely.

      Delete
  12. Hahahahahaha! I need to get on that pussy protector STAT. Sure I live in Canada, but we like to be prepared.

    And bravo for your remarks and standing up for your right to express them. Unbelievable that someone believes the Queen rules England. It's not the 1500's.

    Thanks for adding some levity to the situation.

    bisous
    Suzanne

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Suzanne! Yes, apparently over 40 fashion blogs are supposed to be all about recipes and gratitude - because after a certain age, opinions (and miniskirts) are offensive to the masses. HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA! ….woo. I'm actually surprised I've only gotten two comments like that so far. Im sure there have been more, but they probably just clicked through.

      Delete
  13. And I also say "Hear, hear!" to your followup replies.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Dear Kristin, Thank you, Thank you, Thank you. I cried over my breakfast, taught my class, comforted students who are experiencing trauma, and marched with over 10,000 people in downtown Boston. Coming home and reading your blog lifted me up and put a smile on my face. In the time of orange monsters, we need to know we are not alone. Game on and ready to destroy all walls! In solidarity, Alba

    ReplyDelete
  15. Thanks for this Kristin! Soo funny! Hard to find a bit of levity right now, especially on the web.
    Nicely done responses to the lashers too. I'm so deathly sick of all the vitriol and fighting, sigh.

    Glad you're recovering well too, by the way!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Kathleen! Glad to hear it lightened your spirits. If you want to do more (and don't we all) to help heal the divide that this campaign rhetoric has caused, here is a petition of accountability that you can sign that is to President Elect Trump calling for him to be held accountable for his rhetoric by means of denouncing violence, white supremacist groups, and by issuing a public apology to the Khan Family http://petitions.moveon.org/sign/hold-donald-trump-accountabl.fb48?source=c.fb&r_by=16871457

      Delete
  16. Needed the humor this morning! Love it and now know what to do with those over the elbow gloves lurking in my drawer that I inherited years ago....

    ReplyDelete
  17. I have enjoyed your blog and sense of humor for years. Until now. Perhaps you are not aware, but here in the States we are struggling to get past the hate (both sides) and find a place of unity where we can move forward. To that end, I will not support or visit any site that does not contribute toward the healing of my country. I wish you all the best.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Virginia, of course you are welcome to your opinion. Perhaps ironically, your sentiment is exactly the one that I was writing about, albeit in a satirical way. I too wish you the best, and if yo are really serious about healing the divide that this campaign has caused, I encourage you to sign this petition to President Elect Donald Trump that calls for him to be publicly accountable for his part in the hateful rhetoric of the campaign - starting with an apology to the Khan Family. We can all do our part to nip the hate in the bud. http://petitions.moveon.org/sign/hold-donald-trump-accountabl.fb48?source=c.fb&r_by=16871457

      Delete
    2. You're ridiculous. Like Virginia, I too have enjoyed your blog for a long time due to the entertaining fashion and beauty write-ups, but this last post crossed the line and was downright offensive. Therefore, I will be unsubscribing immediately. Keep your opinions in Scotland. And don't bother replying, I won't even be around to read it.

      Delete
  18. And if the boot were on the other foot what would you 'suggest' Hilary apologise for?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hmm. Probably that white "Dr. Evil" pantsuit she wore for the 3rd debate. Just a personal thing. ..I'm not a fan of white collarless matching pantsuits...too clinical

      Delete
  19. The first time I've laughed all week. Thank you, Kristin. I'm going to pass along your post to all of my friends in mourning all over the U.S.

    ReplyDelete
  20. The pantsuit she wore to her last speech after the election was odd, to say the least. Sinister, anyone?

    ReplyDelete
  21. I absolutely agree! Sinister and evil are the two adjectives that most come to mind when thinking about Mrs C. Spot on!

    ReplyDelete
  22. This is a very good post. Well written, clever wit and a heartfelt protest. I thoroughly enjoyed it. Thanks.
    Greetje

    ReplyDelete
  23. I'm a US citizen who's been living in Austria for the last 16 years, and believe me, it's been no walk in the park having to constantly explain and defend to Europeans the political decisions that we as a nation make. When I woke up last Wednesday morning and turned on the tv to CNN, I was just stunned. When I voiced my reaction to other American "friends" back home, one former college classmate said to me, "If you're so disgusted with everything in America, why don't you just give up your citizenship?". It's been a long time since I've been so hurt by such a blatantly ignorant question from a so-called friend. The right to disagree, and to voice that disagreement, is one of the things that, for me, make America great. I can love my country while still disagreeing with roughly 50% of the population. When half of my friends were complaining about Obama's presidency over the past 8 years, I never once asked anyone why they didn't just give up their US citizenship, regardless of where they were living. I in no way support any violence that has come about as a result of Trump's winning (no matter which side it's on). I will say, though, that this is the first time in my adult life that I can remember so many people reacting with expressions of fear for their family, friends, the future of our country, and I'm afraid this says a lot about where we are today, not only as a nation, but also globally. Thank you for being open enough to express your opinions here, fashion blog or otherwise.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Wow! Incredible post that lifted my spirits for a minute, anyway. It's about all I can manage at the moment. I'm sorry you've had to spend so much time justifying your first amendment right to write it.

    ReplyDelete
  25. I'm late to reading this, but I love it. I'm also a college professor and worked in politics for years before changing careers. If any of the politicians I worked for expressed views like Mr. Trump or caused the KKK and white nationalists to have a parade, I would have quit immediately.

    ReplyDelete
  26. We all need to take a deep breath I think. Everyone has their opinion and it would not hurt us to just listen. I loved this post because it's damn funny. Yes, I cried when Mr T was elected. The prospect seemed unthinkable. But I also can see why people voted for him and I don't think the Democratic party gets it even now. I don't think people get Trump who is populist in every sense. He understands the fears (founded or not) and the economic angst of a large part of the populace. I think Trump supporters fear that liberals will open the floodgates to immigrants as has happened in France. It does the conversation no good to just be labeling everyone as xenophobic and racist. And yes I see the ugliness and white nationalist rise and we should condemn it loudly. But there are a lot of good people out there who voted for Trump.

    ReplyDelete
  27. The fire-proof gloves and tongs are sure to come in handy in the next few years. Great idea! Thanks for the needed laughs--not looking forward to where the administration is headed.
    BTW, I've been wanting to ask you if you have a sister or cousin who is a jazz pianist? We saw a group last year whose pianist reminded me of you, even to her fashion sense. And I think they were from Wisconsin.
    Great blog, fun reading. Thanks!

    ReplyDelete

Deep Thoughts...