The Ugly American: Surviving the Next Four Years in Style
Oh America. What did we do last night? How much did we have to drink!? It's like we went out for a few beers, ended up doing tequila shots with some flashy guy we met at the bar, and woke up this morning passed out in front of the fridge with vomit down the front of our shirts and a Supreme Leader in line for the White House. You guuuuuys….why did you let us drink so much!?!? It's going to take at least four years to get this shirt even remotely clean again…and that's if I can even bring myself to ever look at it again…erp.
Friends, it is not going to be an easy four years. Overt racism, misogyny, and an invigorated sense of isolationist entitlement are only the beginning of the ride we're about to go on, and I am confident that the Great White Hype that is our new Supreme Leader likely has much, much more in store for us. However, above all else, I am an optimist. Those of us who would have had this election turn out differently are united in our desire to not see our beloved country turn into a bubbling cauldron of hate and division; of building walls, singling-out our brothers and sisters on the basis of religion, race or sexuality, or by any other means of cutting off our noses to spite our faces that we might dream-up during the next four years. We will remain united in our desire to lead with love. We will not be lured into the creepy, windowless van driven by the grinning man with the questionable tan.
But there is absolutely nothing stopping us from looking our best while we survive the apocalypse, is there? That's right ladies, just because you woke up with a crushing hangover, a vomit-stained #I'mWithHer t-shirt, and an orange demagogue in the White House doesn't mean that you can't survive in style. So for all of us who feel like we need a different kind of a leader, allow me to put myself forward for the position of Minister of Progressive Feminist Survivalism and provide you with a short list of things that will aid you in getting through this hot mess that we've created for ourselves with your sense of style intact, even if your soul is currently hemorrhaging uncontrollably .
The Fashionista's Top Four Necessities for Surviving the Next Four Years
No. 1: Rhinestone-Encrusted Earplugs
Whether your seat mate in coach is trying to warn you about the looming invasion of immigrants or you need to get through another stilted, plagiarised speech at a State dinner, these chic little earplugs will keep you smiling politely all night long while you quaff the wine like it's your last night on Earth.
No. 2: The Pussy Protector™ Protective Garment
Make your own Pussy Protector™ on the cheap by revisiting that hideous Spanxy-type arrangement that you bought once because you thought it might make you look sleek, but quickly realized that going to the gym regularly was a hell of a lot easier. Here, I've accessorized mine with a jaunty red belt from Gap.
No. 3: Fireproof Opera Gloves & BBQ Tongs
No. 4: Tactical Climbing Gear
When the mob catches a whiff of fear in the air, they tend to build walls around stuff. Ladies, eventually all of us are going to need to get over that wall. Maybe you're climbing for affordable healthcare, perhaps you're climbing to find someone who will actually prescribe the birth control you've been using for a decade, or perhaps you just want to visit your relations in Playa Del Carmen. Whatever your reason, climb safe, climb strong my sisters. Together, we're going over that wall.